


Absentia

by florisuga



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-30
Updated: 2013-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-05 10:05:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1814599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florisuga/pseuds/florisuga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Learning to let go is not something that happens easily when you dwell in the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Absentia

Daehyun first encounters Youngjae at the beach in the middle of the day, when the sun is beating down relentlessly and the breeze only offers slight reprieve. For the first time in a long while, Daehyun feels excited.

He asks, "It's a little hot for sweatpants, don't you think?"

Youngjae lifts his gaze from the book he's reading, gives Daehyun a once-over, and says, "This is coming from the guy in combat boots."

"They're comfortable," says Daehyun. He wipes the sweat from his brow. "I doubt that you can say the same right now."

Youngjae closes his book. His eyebrows quirk up, a little. "And I doubt that you came over here to discuss proper beach attire."

The wind picks up for a moment. In the distance, the rollercoaster on the pier enters its first drop. Over the sound of the riders screaming, Daehyun says, "You're right."

—

On the following day, Daehyun walks up and says, "I see you've started a new book."

"You're very persistent," says Youngjae. "I can't decide if it's irritating or endearing."

"Irritating, probably," Daehyun tells him. He moves to sit a comfortable distance away, careful to allow an arm-length of space and the opportunity to leave. "I guess it all really depends on intent."

Youngjae hums, thoughtful, tentative, then asks, "So what's your intent?"

Daehyun leans back and maybe a bit closer, hardly noticeable by anyone but himself in the way he can read the text on one of the book's pages and make out the word _deviation._ He says, "I'd like to get to know you."

"I'm not interested," Youngjae says, just a little too automated, like a line and scene too often rehearsed.

For a moment, Daehyun stays silent. Then he revises, "I'd like someone to talk to."

Again, Youngjae makes a considering sound. He turns the page of his book, and doesn't answer.

—

Whenever Daehyun visits the beach, he gets this feeling: a calm, peaceful, nostalgic emotion that washes over him as the waves break around his ankles.

"This hasn't always been a beach, you know," he says. He shifts to loosen his feet from the sand gathered around them. "Not one that attracted tourists, anyway. A lot of this--" Daehyun gestures along the boardwalk, past the restaurants and and shops and arcades, all the way to the amusement park on the pier, "--is pretty new. Like, almost came in overnight."

"Well," Youngjae says, "Money can do a lot of things to a place."

After a short silence, Daehyun adds, "And people."

Judging by the way Youngjae's expression darkens, he figures that he didn't need to.

—

Daehyun learns that Youngjae's favorite time to visit the ocean is midday, when the sun is burning at its peak and the sand is decorated with beach towels and umbrellas.

"It's nice." Youngjae relaxes against a palm tree. "I like having the sound of the water and people talking in the background. And it doesn't get overwhelming because the sun and the heat and the breeze put a lot of people right to sleep."

"Very true," says Daehyun. "But I like it better at night."

A thrill runs through Daehyun when he walks along the beach in the early hours of the morning, when the sounds of the night life begin to fade until they're almost completely replaced by the waves breaking on the shore. It's not lonely as much as it is empowering, in a way, as though the entire beach belongs to him.

He tells this much to Youngjae, who sighs; it's a reaction that Daehyun has become used to, but the tone is wrong. Sadder, maybe, and longing.

So Daehyun tells him, "You should see it sometime. It's what a lot of people come for, besides the ocean."

Youngjae makes a thoughtful sound. "I've been here at night before, but it was a long time ago." He shifts, digs his heels into the sand, bracing. "I didn't see much."

"Then you still need the full tourist experience," Daehyun declares, "and I'm an excellent tour guide."

At that, Youngjae laughs, short and sweet and genuine. "You remind me a lot of someone who I used to know," he says.

Daehyun grins, says, "I hope that's a good thing," and then takes a sip of his water.

Youngjae smiles too, just as sincere but with none of the warmth, and tells him, "I'm not sure yet."

—

For the first time in a long while, Daehyun feels anticipation; this is not just looking forward to another night out to drink and eat and forget.

So on his way to work that night, and on his way home, Daehyun plans.

—

When Youngjae isn't in his usual spot on the beach, Daehyun's chest tightens with concern, or something like it.

It doesn't fade until Youngjae finally appears. Daehyun doesn't ask him why he's late, and Youngjae doesn't ask how long Daehyun has waited. All that's said is a light _almost thought you wouldn't show up_ and an answering sigh before they begin to stroll down the boardwalk.

"What brought you here after all?" Daehyun eventually asks. "Reading on the sand is nice and all, but moving here just for that seems like a bit much."

"I didn't come alone." Youngjae chuckles. "And it just seemed like a good idea out of convenience."

"Closer to work?"

"Something like that," Youngjae tells him. "I live alone now, but I don't know why I've stayed for so long."

"What happened to the other person?" asks Daehyun.

Youngjae sighs. "I don't know," he says. It's tinged around the edges with a heaviness similar to regret. "The things he was involved with..."

Daehyun watches Youngjae for a moment; he can't help himself. He studies Youngjae's expression, the light in his eyes, the slowing of his stride, then says, "I'm surprised I didn't see either of you here before."

"You probably did and didn't know it," Youngjae says. "I'm sure you've seen a lot of people come and go."

For lack of anything better to say, Daehyun tells him, "I have."

—

As Daehyun walks along the beach at night, he watches people disappear.

The way they walk past is fascinating, how they are so noticeable and tangible and real in the lights shining out of restaurant windows until they simply walk out of sight and are gone.

When Daehyun's boss tells him that he's late--later than usual--what kept him? Daehyun says people-watching, because they both know that this is what he does best, and has done best, ever since.

He walks around to the rear entrance of the bar, and waits.

—

The next time Daehyun sees Youngjae, Youngjae tells him, "I do know what happened. Sort of."

"Sort of?" Daehyun prompts. Out of compassion, of course. (Partially out of curiosity.)

"He hasn't come back, so." Youngjae pauses. "So if it's not because of wanting to find out, and he's not coming back, I wonder why I stay here?"

"How do you know he's not coming back?"

The way Youngjae watches the waves reminds Daehyun of himself, on those nights when he can't sleep, when his mind is too busy replaying scenes and wondering _if._ "I know enough to know that much. People don't come back from those kinds of things."

Before Daehyun can stop himself, he offers, "Is it guilt, maybe?"

The expression on Youngjae's face changes from confusion to shock and it has Daehyun shifting from discomfort. "Why do you say that?"

Daehyun settles back; he crosses his legs, props himself up on his arms, a gesture to assert _I am not a threat to you._ "It's a lot of weight to carry," he says. "You always seem like you have something on your mind."

Youngjae brushes the sand from his pants. "I'm not guilty of anything though. I didn't do anything."

So Daehyun leans in, just a bit, and tells him, "That's still doing something."

—

Youngjae never appears the following day. Or for several days after.

An uncomfortable sense of familiarity dwells in the back of Daehyun's mind. Still, Daehyun waits, and watches, and wonders.

—

He finds Youngjae in a coffee shop not entirely by accident.

"I was wondering how you've been," Daehyun says, and then he slides into an empty chair. He manages to keep the impatience and worry out of his voice, mostly. "Sorry if I said anything weird last time."

Youngjae either doesn't hear him or chooses not to acknowledge his statement. Before Daehyun can continue, though, Youngjae says, "I've been thinking."

He takes a sip of coffee; the aroma sets Daehyun's nerves alight in a caffeine-like effect.

"I think," Youngjae says, "I'm ready to move on."

Daehyun swallows. "Oh?"

Youngjae thumbs at the cardboard cover around his cup. "Staying here," he says, "is too much. And I think I need to leave."

It's not that this outcome hasn't crossed Daehyun’s mind--it's just not the one he had expected. At first, Daehyun isn't sure what to say. Eventually, he decides on: "I'll miss having you around."

"Me too."

Careful not to speak too quickly, Daehyun asks, "So how about that night out?" He puts on the most convincing smile he can manage. "Like we talked about before?"

To Daehyun's relief, despite a moment of hesitation, Youngjae agrees.

—

There is something about seeing someone for the last time, Daehyun thinks. How knowing it will be the end is so different from a sudden loss; even brief warning can allow time to prepare.

Grief is all about preparation.

He leaves work earlier than usual that night. As he exits into the back alley, the only explanation he gives to his boss is that he has more important business to attend to.

—

As Daehyun and Youngjae walk along the beach that night, a silence hangs between them. Youngjae is surely distracted by his thoughts, just as Daehyun is preoccupied with his own.

Things are so different at night, he thinks. The boardwalk, the shops, the amusement park, the people--nighttime completely changes them, hiding parts of themselves while revealing others that sunlight chases away.

"The ocean is pretty creepy in the dark," Youngjae says when they finally reach their usual spot on the sand.

Daehyun stays quiet for a moment, and thinks, and hums. "Like you could get lost in it," he says, then asks, "Do you ever think about what that must be like? To just vanish out there?"

He turns to Youngjae, but Daehyun doesn't have to look in order to notice the way he stiffens; there's this tension in the air, maybe, or apprehension.

"When you live here," Daehyun says, "it's hard to not think about."

Youngjae's breathing picks up as he asks, "What are you talking about?"

It's funny, Daehyun thinks, how even after all this time he still can't bring himself to say the name. All he can do instead is correct: "Who."

When Youngjae finally reacts, it is even better than Daehyun had imagined. Even in the moonlight, shadowed by the clouds, he can tell that Youngjae looks like he's seen a ghost; it is an expression of pure realization and knowledge.

For the first time since Himchan's disappearance, Daehyun laughs.

**Author's Note:**

> Many Thank You's to [yubat](http://yubat.livejournal.com/) for her lovely beta work and holding my hand and her patience as we spent absurd amounts of time re-imagining the same sentence over and over and over, and to [grapefruitade](http://grapefruitade.livejournal.com/) for her beta work as well despite such short notice.


End file.
